The Liberal's Gift-Giving Guide

As Mitt Romney knows all too well, liberals love handing out gifts, and now that it’s the holiday season, we’re excited to extend our generosity beyond minorities, women, and feckless young people. Here at the Prospect, we know it’s likely that you’ve been too busy with your heavy marijuana usage to get on that Christmas shopping, so we’ve compiled a handy gift-guide for all the lefties in your life.

 

For your nephew, the one who’s an “energy entrepreneur”

He only just graduated from college, and yeah, he’s never had a real job, but you’ll be damned if he and his roommate didn’t start their own company doing God-knows-what during their last semester at school. Solar panels! Synergy! Thermo-voltaic wind! The kid’s got chutzpah.

He’ll probably be burning the midnight oil, so how about some coffee to keep him on the move? But not just any kind—this guy has discerning tastes. Make it Kopi Luwak, a bean that gets its smooth taste from the excrement of a cat-like animal native to Southeast Asia. Delish!

Like any respectable modern man, he regularly cooks at home from the El Bulli staff meals cookbook. He’s a guy who will appreciate a little Le Creuset action, the classic choice for at-home chefs. These pots are guaranteed to last well into his sure-to-be-spectacular midlife crisis. 

A loan. You know they’re going to need it—money talks, bullshit walks. 

 

For the Occupy Wall Street-er sleeping on your front lawn

Nothing says “I respect your gypsy-communal-outdoor-political” lifestyle like a tent. But better yet, a tee-pee—and not the frou-frou kind that socialites like to have at their weddings. A real, honest-to-goodness $400 one made by Canadians that they can tote anywhere from Zucotti Park to Burning Man. 

And what to do to wile away the hours thinking deep, existential thoughts about the cabal that is our modern political system? Bongo! It’s the thinking man’s drum. But what about something for when they’re feeling a bit quieter, when they want to get in touch with the raw power that is the American body electric? What is the thing that binds us all together and gives us life? Tits, of course. And you’re in luck, because Taschen has a 396-page tome devoted to them. We think they’ll particularly enjoy the section on the breasts of the 1970s. 

 

For the glamour-puss, limousine liberal in your life

They don’t live in the “real America,” so it can be hard to discern what lies in that city lady’s heart of darkness, but we’ve got a few good guesses for you:

She’s having casual sex, sure, but she’s also got that “no babies 2013” pledge to stick to, so what combines her career first-mentality better than this stylish birth-control-pill case? That minx!

Of course, what’s the best way to stir up that loving feeling in the first place? Diamonds, dahling. Conflict-free, of course, because she’s got to keep up appearances. 

But nothing will impress her more than real estate. And every city girl needs a weekend country escape, right? One that will make her feel like she hasn’t actually lost touch with the earth (scented candles help take care of that during the week). For the woman who has everything, make it a tree house.

 

For that delightfully crotchety, old-school union Democrat

They’re probably pretty bummed out this year, what with the eroding effects right-to-work laws are having on labor unions, but as Judy G. sang (albeit between all that pill popping), c’mon get happy. 

Nothing soothes a soul better than the rich smell of animal skin—it’s evolutionary—so how about a leather bomber jacket to keep them warm while they wend their way to the union hall? Make sure it’s made in America. 

Your Blue Dog a homebody? We’ve got something for that too. Try a box set of Capra classics, a tribute to the days when things were a little more innocent and free, or this striking book of WPA art, a reminder of all the good things Roosevelt once wrought. 

 

For your do-gooder niece

Admittedly, things were touch and go there for a while when she came back from study abroad in South America with a much older husband who was always on his satellite phone, but she’s really gotten her act together since then, and her NGO only hits you up for money once every three weeks. The girl deserves something nice. 

Nothing says you’re making it in the non-profit world better than paisley-printed silk scarves. Or if you’re more practically inclined, why not some adorable bike gloves for her to wear as she swerves in and out of traffic and bowls over pedestrians? She can sling this whimsical bike-themed bag across her back as she rides. How meta! 

Or, for those evenings when she just wants to kick back and relax with the rest of her lady friends from Oberlin to watch Girls and discuss the eerie similarities between their lives and the characters’ on-screen high-kinks, there’s this electric wine opener. And when they’re good and drunk, they can talk about how hilarious these panties are. 

 

For the policy wonk 

They wear pleated-front khakis and their mansplaining has taken on epic proportions, but you just can’t seem to quit them, maybe because they can’t take a hint. C’est la vie, they mean well, so why not say thanks for all the unsolicited budgetary policy wisdom they’ve directed your way throughout the year with gifts that show you’ve been half-way listening. 

Sure, he’s on the other side of the aisle, but Paul Ryan made it cool to be a nerd who works out. Liberal dweebs have taken note, and you can bet your sweet bippy that they’re going to be hitting the gym come this winter, so help them do it in style with this manly man’s leather gym bag. With this in tow, no one will even notice that they’re doing wrist curls with five-pound weights. 

Or what about something to help him stay perky working those long, dark wintertime hours in his tiny think-tank office? Nothing better than this light therapy visor from the good folks at Hammcher Schlemmer to stave off Seasonal Affective Disorder. 

Finally, the holiday season is all about helping out our fellow man, so get him a copy of The Art of the Female Orgasm. Trust us. He needs it. 

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