Addressing Our Troubling Lack of Reagan

This morning, Mitt Romney published an op-ed in USA Today laying out his economic plan, which will no doubt be read eagerly by people staying in hotels all across America. It's full of all the expected claptrap and flim-flammery, but there's one part I wanted to point out:

Where President Obama left America's trade interests untended, I recognize the job-creating potential of international commerce. I will create the "Reagan Economic Zone," a partnership among countries committed to free enterprise and free trade. It will serve as a powerful engine for opening markets to our goods and services, and also a mechanism for confronting nations like China that violate trade rules while free-riding on the international system.

This helps fill a yawning gap in the area of comical Reagan fetishism from which the Republican primaries have suffered. What America obviously needs in these dire times is more invocations of Reagan. So here are some suggestions for initiatives the next Republican president could pursue:

  • GDP growth will be referred to as "Reagan Growth," as in "Reagan growth averaged a spectacular 6.4 percent last quarter."
  • The Vince Lombardi Trophy and the Larry O'Brien Trophy will both be renamed "The Reagan Trophy," and the Stanley Cup will become "The Reagan Cup." World Series rings will also be called "Reagan rings."
  • AmeriCorps volunteers will each spend 10 hours per week using social media marketing techniques to convince teenagers to use "Reagan" as the new colloquialism for "cool" or "excellent," as in, "OMG, the Vampire Weekend show was so totally Reagan, I thought I'd die!"
  • All members of Seal Team Six will adopt the handle "Reagan." Any confusion this creates during missions will be more than compensated for by the dramatic increase in Reaganness.

This is just a start, of course. I'm sure if the candidates put their minds to it, they could make some real headway on our national Reagan deficit.