Here's what I learned about masculinity from Lou Aguilar, author of a column entitled "Why Real Men Vote for McCain."

1. Marrying an intellectual partner who can't bankroll your Senate campaigns proves you're a girly-man. You know, because true manly-men should always leave their first wives for younger, blonder, richer versions.

Obama is married to a bitter, angry lawyer who became “proud” of her country for the first time this year. McCain’s wife is a beer heiress who founded an organization to provide MASH-style units to disaster-torn world regions. Did I mention that she’s a beer heiress?

2. John McCain has a "hero" name. (Because it sounds white and Anglo and yeah!!! Hero!!!) Barack Obama has an "elitist," "villain" name. (Read: Un-American! Un-American!)

The name John McCain sounds like “John McClain,” the action hero played by Bruce Willis in the manly Die Hard series. “Barack Obama” sounds like the kind of elitist villain John McClain has to outwit and defeat.

Those are some compelling arguments! Did you know that if you vote for John McCain, you will immediately grow two inches taller and receive a patented shot of heterosexuality in the arm? Cool!

--Dana Goldstein

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