COULTER WATCH. Twelve years of Catholic education. Four years of the best the Society of Jesus had to offer. I have seen the May Procession, ladies and gentlemen. I have heard the Trappists sing at dusk and I have served on the altar during the old Good Friday liturgy, the one that seemed to last eight days and was the closest thing that the church of my birth had to a Ken Russell film -- except, of course, The Devils, which actually was a Ken Russell film. I have read my Aquinas and my Augustine and my Teilhard. I subscribe to the theological notion first put forth by the great Flann O'Brien in that blasphemy is a waste of time because, if there is no God, it's stupid and unnecessary, and if there is one, it's dangerous.

In short, I have seen me a few theological goat-ropings in my time, but I have never in all my Papist years read anything the likes of this. Why the Christ -- you should pardon the expression -- couldn't that twit Constantine leave us Christians in the catacombs where we belonged instead of taking us public so the crazy people could buy shares?

--Charles P. Pierce