Up Front

The Question

What should the GOP call its updated "Contract with America"?

"No-bid Contract with America."--Katie Halper, Laughing Liberally

"Contract with 27% of America."--Eric Rauchway, U.C. Davis

"We Want You! (For Our War on Everything)."--Scott Thill, writer

"Field Dressing the People."--Joe Klein, Time

"Born in the USA."--Eric Alterman, The Nation

"The Bend-Over Manifesto."--Lee Camp, comedian/writer


Parody by T.A. Frank

Tweets to Avoid at Work

"Voicing an opinion on Twitter, even if it's not expressly critical, can land you in hot water and out of a job."

--Huffington Post

My boss is like the Harlow monkeys that had the metal mother. At least Botox helps her personality.

Rereading Mein Kampf. So much promise.

Just had sex with dead person. Random.

Hope I can manage 2 assassinate the G8 leaders on Tuesday.

My country club just admitted blacks. Boo.

Pregnant! Will prob flush tho.

I just ousted @grandwizard as the mayor of Klan on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/5yg6WR

Feel much looser after full Al Gore massage.

Is my stool normal? http://bit.ly/a8mVhub

In Antarctica. Just trapped and killed first Emperor penguin.

Will eat 2nite!

Deadly floods in Midwest. Two words: Who cares.

My penile stitches look 2 b healing nicely. http://bit.ly/a5mVPub

Sorry 2 hear about death of Ayman Al Zawahiri. Def the bravest and most bighearted member of Al Q.

Yikes. Cops here. Hope they don't find husband's body.

Just bought cutest bride from @russianchixxx. arrives 2morrow.

so excited!!!

Hinduism definitely suckiest major world religion.

Here's a link to my latest article showing 9/11 was inside job ordered by Marvin Bush. http://tiny.cc/k21gl

My mini pinscher just ate my 8-ball bag of coke.

Should I take 2 vet????? Too risky???

Just delivered butt-ugliest baby http://tiny.cc/k20kl

The true victim here is Mel Gibson.

T.A. Frank is an Irvine Fellow at the New America Foundation.


Dialogue Majority Rules

What will happen in Congress if the GOP pulls off a landslide victory in November?

Adam Serwer: So how's Obama going to get anything done once Republicans win in November and begin assembling articles of impeachment?

Jamelle Bouie: Well, initially, I figure Obama can accomplish some of his goals by making recess appointments and doing as much as he can to consolidate policy-making into the White House. But I'm sure that our soon-to-be new Republican overlords will catch on quick.

Adam: They probably won't be quick enough to stop Obama from implementing Sharia law or appointing the New Black Panther Party as his new personal security force.

Jamelle: See, I'm hoping that they aren't quick enough! In those first months after the American people elect John Boehner to rule as Avatar of America, Obama will have the chance to use his powers--derived from his Kenyan birth--to establish a new Constitution. Of course, those powers won't be too exciting. At most, he'll be able to get a few more nominees confirmed, maybe pass a climate bill, and create the ACORN Revolutionary Guards.

Adam: In all seriousness, though, Clinton had welfare reform; does Obama have anything? Are there any policy-agenda items the GOP might be on board with beyond endless investigations?

Jamelle: I can't imagine any. Deficit reduction is the obvious candidate, but odds are that Republicans won't want to raise taxes. More important, the GOP will be hugely emboldened by the election. Republicans will see it as a sign that the American people don't want compromise on anything.

Adam: The economy probably won't have recovered enough to sustain deficit reduction should Republicans even think about acting responsibly.

Jamelle: From the look of things, unemployment will still be in the 9 percent range come next year. If Republicans take back the House, it's a virtual certainty that they'll watch whatever popularity they had plummet as voters remain angry about the economy. If that happens, there's a chance that Republican leaders might see fit to pass some kind of stimulus.

Adam: Does that mean unemployment benefits won't be held up by septuagenarians throwing temper tantrums?

Jamelle: Exactly. I mean, it would fit the pattern. GOP leaders were enthusiastic about fiscal stimulus (by way of tax cuts) in the early years of the Bush administration when they had a majority in the House.

Adam: I think you are rather optimistically predicting the return of grown-up impulses to the Republican Party.

Jamelle: If GOP leaders are as politically opportunistic as I hope, they would at least think about agreeing to things that would help the economy--and thus their own fortunes.

Adam: That's one way to look on the bright side of a thousand resolutions demanding to see Obama's birth certificate.

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