Up Front


What is the real reason the panda Tai Shan is being returned to China?

"Just another factory recall of a popular American toy."

-- Negin Farsad, Laughing Liberally

"It was an immigration issue: Tai Shan was taking a job that could be done by hard-working American animals."

-- Ryan Grim, The Huffington Post

"Actually, the zoo had no choice when Blue Cross raised his health insurance another 25% this year."

-- Gerald Sindell, Agency for Social Media


PARODY by T.A. Frank

"He [the underwear bomber] was given a 50-minute interrogation; probably Larry King has interrogated people longer and better than that." -- Mitch McConnell to Fox News, Feb. 4, 2010



LARRY KING, HOST: Tonight, exclusive, we talk with Nigerian terror suspect Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, also known as the "underwear bomber." He has agreed to answer some in-depth questions. Umar, welcome.

ABDULMUTALLAB: Thank you, Larry.

KING: So why underwear?

ABDULMUTALLAB: Larry, that was a difficult choice. But underwear bombs are easier to conceal.

KING: Because underpants are harder to see?

ABDULMUTALLAB: That's correct.

KING: Because they are under the pants?

ABDULMUTALLAB: That is right.

KING: How does it feel, that sort of underwear? Is it comfortable?

ABDULMUTALLAB: Well, not really.

KING: Because of the bomb parts?


KING: Did it hurt when you set it off?

ABDULMUTALLAB: Of course it did.

KING: Because your genitals were on fire?

ABDULMUTALLAB: That's correct.

KING: Was there an in-flight movie?

ABDULMUTALLAB: Erm, I think so. Larry, I do not mean to be impolite, but I was told to expect more substantive --

KING: Did you watch it?

ABDULMUTALLAB: No. Larry, look --

KING: You'd already seen it?

ABDULMUTALLAB: No, Larry. Listen --

KING: You didn't want to rent the headset?

ABDULMUTALLAB: Larry, I don't see the point --

KING: Let's get back to the bomb. Was it a religious sort of thing?

ABDULMUTALLAB: Of course. I am a holy warrior of jihad.

KING: What is jihad?


ABDULMUTALLAB: It means a struggle in the way of God.

KING: So this had something to do with jihad?


KING: Did you plan to do this, or was it more of a spontaneous thing that you thought of on the flight?

ABDULMUTALLAB: Larry, I am an agent of al-Qaeda. It was obviously not spontaneous.

KING: Where do you buy explosive underwear?

ABDULMUTALLAB: It is not sold. You must make it.

KING: How? With a sewing machine?

ABDULMUTALLAB: Please, Larry, in the name of Allah, stop! I have never encountered an interview so painful! I'll tell you everything now. I trained in Baluchestan, where Osama bin Laden and Ayman Al Zawahiri now work as short-order cooks. I'll show you exactly where to find them. Please just have mercy!

KING: Over to you Mitch McConnell. The witness has officially been broken.

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