Illustration by Greg Houston
This article appears in the December 2024 issue of The American Prospect magazine. Subscribe here.
Dear President Biden,
Respectfully, sir, you blew it. You arrived in the White House at the water aerobics age of 78, promising to be a transitional candidate for Democrats. And in that, you succeeded! You successfully transitioned America from one Trump term to the next. Way to go, Jack.
While you did some good things in office, you were far from “the most progressive president since FDR,” or if you were then that’s such a low bar it’s lying on the ground. Honestly, the only thing you ever fully committed to was helping Israel ethnically cleanse Gaza, for reasons we’ll still never know. My guess is Prime Minister Golda Meir rocked you like a baby on a picnic blanket on a hillside in Jerusalem and told you everything the light touches would be yours. Something like that.
By the time your party finally was able to wrest away the keys of your re-election campaign, it was already too late. Vice President Harris was only able to make the loss a bit more dignified, rather than downright degrading.
Despite all of this, Mr. President, you still have a shot at resuscitating your legacy. It’s an opportunity handed to you from the highest court in the land, if you choose to accept it: Presidential Immunity. The Supreme Court effectively deemed presidents to be above the law. As a reminder, you are now president. So for the next two months, give or take, you can DO CRIME. Crime for good. You could be Batman, Mr. President. Only slower. Much slower.
Here are some ideas:
- Commit light arson at a Cybertruck lot.
- Sell state secrets about unidentified aerial phenomena on eBay and use the money to buy the land around Joe Manchin’s West Virginia ranch. Begin fracking immediately. Create a sinkhole if you can.
- Steal White House presidential portraits and artifacts like James Madison’s crystal flute and sell them to China. Use the money to buy Truth Social.
- Use the Defense Production Act to manufacture as many abortion pills as possible and direct the Air Force to drop them like aid packages into states with abortion bans.
- Bug the Oval Office, Air Force One, and any and all vehicles to be used by the incoming president. Don’t wait for another Michael Wolff “tell-all” book about the chaos of Trumpworld; the intel will go straight to you. You write the book and give it away for free. Or just broadcast it live all day on a Discord server; your grandson will show you how.
- Set free Elon’s Neuralink chimps from their prison in Nevada and guide them to Kari Lake’s home.
- Get the NSA to break into Mike Johnson’s Pornhub account. Change the password and hold it hostage until he brings a minimum-wage increase to a floor vote.
- For Christmas, rob a bank. Rob THE bank, the Federal Reserve. Pack all the printed money you can into suitcases and hand-deliver them to the homes of students whose debt you weren’t able to cancel.
- Revoke FDA approval of ivermectin, Cialis, and Diet Coke, but only in the Palm Beach metropolitan area.
- Let’s cut to the chase. Go on YouTube, learn to make █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █, and then wire it to █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █.
- Release the photos of Donald Trump with underage girls that Epstein had in his safe. You know the ones.
- Drive a rental car up to the airport drop-off and just leave it at passenger loading. Suckers!
- STAY IN OFFICE. How are you even thinking of leaving?! You’re immune! Barricade yourself in the Oval surrounded by your most ferocious German shepherds. This is the moment they’ve been training for. Take hostages, cause a constitutional crisis. The liberals will do our own January 6th for you so long as we don’t splinter into different podcast listener factions first.
Mr. President, you owe the American people. You have been granted a gift. You’re Mario who just nabbed a Super Star and now you’re invincible. So obtain your final form as the crime boss the right always painted you as, the Dark Brandon you were destined to become.
