This article appears in the June 2025 issue of The American Prospect magazine. Subscribe here.
For decades, Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer has openly spoken about an imaginary couple named the Baileys who are supposed to be some kind of personal bellwether for middle and moderate America. Yes, somehow this is true.
But never have the Baileys spoken for themselves. That is, until now.
From: joe.bailey59@hotmail.com
To: chuck@schumer.senate.gov
Subject: We need to talk
Hiya Chuck,
It’s Joe Bailey. Eileen and I watched your video the other day about a Trump car tax and you seemed … unsteady. Hope you’re doing OK.
Look, we have to come clean. Eileen and I would really rather you not mention us anymore, to the media or anyone else. I mean, if we’re being honest it’s always been kind of weird. But right now, we don’t feel like you really understand where we’re coming from.
Things have shifted for us. After Kamala Harris lost the election, we were sure that Democrats or the courts would put a stop to Trump somehow. Hell, the guy had 34 felony counts and Project 2025 was a clear-as-day blueprint for what was going to happen. His first week in office, planes were falling out of the sky, and our son Zane’s wife lost her job at USAID. It’s all been too much. But when Elon and his little team of hacker boys locked you and other Democrats outside of the federal buildings, you were on national television saying that “people are aroused.” Come on, man. Aroused? Even when you are aroused, don’t put it that way.
Eileen and I started going to the Tesla Takedown protests. We’re not usually the protesting type, but we started to get a taste for it during the pandemic and all the BLM stuff. Not sure if you knew this, but we believe in defunding the police. Then Eileen found out about the Socialist Rifle Association, and it turns out they have a meetup nearby. We’ve been going for a couple months now. I fancy myself a peaceful guy, but as Huey Newton once said: “If you want to get rid of the gun, you have to pick the gun up.” We’re also learning how to block highways, build barricades, make Molotovs, and scrub our biometrics.
All this is to say, Chuck, we’ve changed. We’ve changed ’cause America has changed. We feel like it’s no longer moderate to be moderate. It’s complicity. We’re radicals now, Chuck. And you, Chuck, at best you’re a coward.
Don’t think we didn’t watch you and nine other Democratic senators vote to advance Trump’s budget, refusing to use the power of the filibuster. What did Trump say to you? Did he pull some Upper West Side tough-guy talk and promise you dinner at Cipriani’s? I mean, if you can’t wield power, the least you can do is gum up the works. That’s what Republicans do every time they’re in the minority. Not you, Chuck. You seem to enjoy being useless. You’ve let Eileen and me down.
I can’t figure out why you’re so weak. You’re old and tired—hell, so am I. But I think you don’t understand regular people’s concerns the way the rest of us do. Which is ironic because the whole reason you created us was to keep in touch with regular folk. Of course you had to invent us because heaven forbid you actually talk to real people. You’ve lost touch with us, your imaginary friends.
See, you might be doing fine on a senator’s salary, but Eileen and I depend on Social Security. If those checks are interrupted because of what Elon and Big Balls are doing, there’s going to be hell to pay. And we’re tired of paying it! The 2008 recession cost us a third of our savings, and if there’s another recession and my cancer comes back, well, we’ll have to sell the house. Of course, as anarchist thinker Proudhon said, property is theft. Maybe we should just live communally and give our lives to the revolution.
Fascism is real, Chuck. And the Democratic Party under your leadership has been asleep at the wheel. It’s time you hand over the keys like Biden should have sooner. That AOC is polling 19 points ahead of you for your own seat, and she isn’t even running. Your time’s up. If you leave now, we might still invite you over for Thanksgiving dinner. Of course, it’ll be tofurkey, on account of us being vegan now.
All the best,
Joe and Eileen Bailey
