Tony Hendra

Tony Hendra is an author, actor and author of Father Joe: The Man Who Saved My Soul.

Recent Articles

Osama's Endorsement

TO: The Database FROM: The Hard Drive of Allah RE: Four more years! Greetings, o multifarious martyrs to be! Good morning, Afghanistan! Good morning, Iraq! Today the Hard Drive has a surprise for its faithful Database. Let us praise Allah a thousand, thousand times for sending us George W. Bush! After his three and half years in office, could we have dreamed of the power and visibility we now have? Assuredly not, o my brothers. Thanks to the Beelzebub Bush, we are a global brand! How has this happened? Consider: The crusaders are even now hotly debating whose fault the 11th of September was. Let us answer for them: We would never have attacked America during the reign of the cloven-hoofed Bill Clinton. He was too wily a diplomat; he had curried too much favor abroad; he could have whipped up European and Asian and even Arab rage, forged a lasting worldwide coalition against us, strangled us in infancy. But kismet intervened. A man appeared from the wilderness, ignorant of the world...

Divine Words

TO: Mel Gibson FROM: Jesus the Christ RE: My Passion Mel, Mel, Mel, Why do you hate me so? We're not five minutes into your movie before the high priest's men have punched out my lights, almost bisected me with a rope, and closed my right eye so that I look like Jake LaMotta in his final showdown with Sugar Ray Robinson. Then it's off to the flaying; once those Romans take over you really sock it to me. I get up already covered with bleeding welts, you cut me down; you turn my back into steak tartare, then turn me over and do my front. It makes the end of Braveheart look like the Three Stooges. And we haven't even gotten to the nails yet. But the cruelest cut of all: Did you really have to cast that talent-free pretty boy as me? Haven't we had enough soppy, doe-eyed saviors down the centuries? Especially since the poor kid has to act the entire movie with one eye shut. Actually Mel, the Byzantine and Romanesque and Renaissance guys notwithstanding, I wasn't that pretty at all. Kind of...

We See That Now

We confess. It's all true. Everything you say. We trafficked in hate. We did it in anger. Just as you said, Mr. Kristol, Mr. Krauthammer, Mr. Brooks: We poisoned the airwaves and befouled the sheets of our nation's most august publications. We attacked a sitting president, impugned his integrity, smeared his family, invaded his privacy, tried desperately to drag him down to our own filthy, rock-bottom, sewer-dwelling level. There is no parallel between your measured criticism of Bill Clinton and our vile attacks on George W. Bush. Bill Clinton deserved everything thrown at him because a corrupt and evil man who gains the White House by underhanded means should be attacked with every weapon at the disposal of a free press. And yes, it's true, just as your more sagacious radio hosts have maintained: Hillary Clinton does owe her success to the practice of witchcraft. And no, it's not true that ridiculing Chelsea at the most vulnerable stage in her development was the media equivalent of...

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