"President Bush has selected John J. DiIulio Jr., a political science professor, to head a first-ever federal office for integrating religious institutions more fully into federally financed social services, several Bush advisers said."
-- The New York Times
January 29, 2001
Dear President Bush,
Thank you so much for offering me a position as director of the White House's newly founded Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives. I would love to serve in the new administration, and humbly accept the job.
As you're well aware, a lot of people are going to criticize us for trying to bring federal subsidies to faith-based social organizations. Church-state separationists, in particular, say it's just a tacit way of spreading religion under the auspices of government. But don't worry: I'm not afraid of criticism. After all, back in Egypt, many heaped scorn upon the Israelites. And we all know what happened to them.
Actually, though, I must admit I don't anticipate many real difficulties in establishing and running the Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives. The enthusiasm out there is really encouraging. Already, I've been contacted by a number of religious service organizations that are eager to enter into a more lucrative financial relationship with the government. I've enclosed a short list of some of the charities that have been in touch with me:
The Wiccan Harry Potter Reading Room. In the interest of furthering youth literacy and strengthening pre-kindergarten learning and enrichment programs, Wiccans want to establish nationwide reading rooms where Pagans and witches will read to children from the best-selling novels by J.K. Rowling. The goal, beyond helping teach kids to read, is instilling in the young a sense of the supernatural that surrounds and envelops all of us. You know, kind of like "the force" in Star Wars.
The Moonie Marriage Counseling Center. As you've said, one of the express goals of your administration will be to strengthen American marriages and families through initiatives like eliminating the marriage penalty from the tax code. But families need moral as well as financial support, and Rev. Sun Myung Moon's Unification Church has the perfect program to help out. Based on the core principle that marriage will help create divine rule on earth, the center will provide advice and counseling to couples who are having marital difficulties. The Unification Church has an amazing track record in terms of promoting marriage, sometimes marrying thousands of couples at one time! I really think that we couldn't possibly be in better hands with this program.
The Jehovah's Witness Meal Delivery Program. Jehovah's Witnesses want to receive government funds in order to launch a free meal delivery service to help out the poor and disabled. Jehovah's Witnesses will go door to door delivering meals, preparing the food, and also helping the disabled out with various household chores and errands. Actually, I believe that the Jehovah's Witnesses have already started the program, as they seem to be going door to door even though they have not yet received government funding. Let's speed this one along!
The Christian Science H.M.O. Market-based healthcare and prescription drug coverage reform was a primary campaign focus for you, President Bush, and the First Church of Christ, Scientist wants to form a government-funded Health Maintenance Organization (offering an affordable drug benefit) that would carry forward these ideas. Basically, in order to cut costs and respect the market, the Christian Science H.M.O. will recommend prayer as a remedy for most maladies, and burden doctors with patients only in the most urgent cases. This should keep costs down to an absolute minimum while spreading religion to those who are stricken with illness -- the best cure of all!
The Satanist Day Care Center. A lot of working parents struggle with finding places to leave their children while they pursue their careers. During your campaign you promised to encourage all parents -- even those on welfare -- to get and keep jobs. The Church of Satan wants to help you keep your campaign promise -- by providing federally subsidized day care! After all, everybody knows how much Satanists love spending time with children. And the Satanists promise that for the kids, every day of the year will be Halloween. I guess that this means lots of candy for the little angels. Yum!
Voodoo Crime Fighting Unit. During the campaign, you promised to be tough on crime. As a strong proponent of the death penalty, you believe in the power of punishment and deterrence. What a better way to reduce crime than to allow practitioners of voodoo to torture criminals through the use of voodoo dolls? That way, even if the police have not yet tracked down a criminal, the Voodoo Crime Fighting Unit can torture him. If he commits another crime, they'll jam in one more needle. That will teach him to stay away from a life of crime!
With the use of even bigger infusions of federal funds, the Unit promises it can expand and create an international practice. Think of the possibilities for punishing and subduing Osama Bin Ladin, Saddam Hussein, Slobodan Milosevic, and many others!
Scientology Psychological Counseling. As a compassionate conservative, surely you will want to improve services for the long-neglected population of indigent mentally ill. When it comes to making people clearer in the head, no one's better than L. Ron Hubbard's Scientologists. In order to bolster the effectiveness of their psychological counseling, the Church of Scientology wants the government to fund massive extra printings of Dianetics, to be distributed to all patients, and sent to all Americans by direct mail. (The church also wants the government, if fiscally possible, to bail out John Travolta's acting career.)
Well, that appears to be everyone who has expressed interest in the program so far. But it seems like we're off to a powerful and pluralistic start. Just like you promised!
Yours in Christ, Zeus, and Krishna,
John J. DiIulio Jr.
Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives
