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This morning, the Washington Post ran an op-ed begging GM not to discontinue the poor-selling Hummer because its existence is important to the survival of American masculinity. Bad enough, right? Wait till you read it. It's got a Cliche Density Index not seen outside of the National Preteen Goth Poetry Semifinals. Some selections:
When General Motors announced that it would subject its Hummer division to what in the automotive business is known as a "review," you could hear the tree huggers, the unreconstructed hippies, the postmodern Greens, Al Gore's organic peanut gallery, every single customer at the Pasadena Whole Foods and the United Prius Owners of America shove aside their alfalfa sprouts and commence clapping.[...]America needs the Hummer to remind us of what has always made our automobiles stand out, from the tailfin 1950s to the muscle car 1960s and '70s: swagger. Americans don't just drive their cars -- they proclaim something about themselves by driving them. [...]It takes a certain kind of man -- it's almost always the owner of a Y chromosome -- to take a gander at the Hummer, in all its broad, burly, paramilitary gas-guzzling glory, and see himself behind the wheel, striking fear and loathing in the hearts of ecologically sensitive motorists. Oprah does not drive a Hummer.[...]The Hummer appeals to large men of even larger ego, men who aren't worried about their carbon footprint and believe that obstacles in life are meant not just to be surmounted but squashed flat.[...]GM has hinted that, alternatively, it may convert the gas hog to hybrid status. But that would be like putting Rottweilers on a diet of celery and watermelon ("Let sip the dogs of war!").[...]This is what GM owes us, and what the company owes itself -- a ridiculous machine crammed with emotional content...Now, more than ever, we need Hummer, in all its defiant, obnoxious, thoroughly American glory.Put aside that no one actually eat alfalfa sprouts, least of all the portly, 6'2" Al Gore. Put aside that Arugula is now the accepted edible designator of liberal elitism. Put aside the sad vision of the emasculated American male, who can only recapture his power by owning a somewhat larger automobile than is normal. Put aside the bizarre line that paints guys who dismiss climate change as solutions-oriented problem solvers. Just focus in on the writing. This has to be a parody, right?
