"Hollywood diva Barbra Streisand has fired off a three-page memo to key Democrats on Capitol Hill, urging them to quit their whining and start hammering the GOP. 'What has happened to the Democrats since the November election? Some of you seem paralyzed, demoralized and depressed,' the 'Funny Girl' wrote in the memo."
-- Roll Call, April 2, 2001
Dear Barbra,
Got your memo. Now let's talk about you. We in the leadership met, and we all agree on one thing: You're slipping, Barbra. You seem paralyzed, demoralized, and depressed -- as a diva, you're getting your butt kicked by Britney Spears.
We should have one goal. To get you back on top of the pop charts. Unless we do, we'll forever be on the defensive against lascivious teen upstarts. I, for one, won't stand for this. We should draw attention to the differences, hold accountable those in power. You don't have to be slutty like Britney, waifish like Christina Aguilera, or even a good singer like Whitney Houston. But you do have to do better. Instead of defending your "pal" Bill Clinton, you should get back out there and fight.
The public responds to strength. You've got 43 gold albums, 27 platinum ones, a Best Actress Oscar . . . Hell, you were filming Yentl when those other girls were in diapers! You cannot let these upstarts roll back your career. Your Fox TV concert last month -- the one that pre-empted Temptation Island -- you simply must do better than that if you hope to win back the hearts and minds of the American public. Show them you care, and we can win.
This is a key moment in your career. We must mount a strong, strategic, and targeted offense against Britney, Christina, and the other divas who are sweeping all facets of popular culture. Look at their sales. How could such untalented hussies be so popular with the American people? As I warned you, we cannot trust them. We have divas who stole your limelight through beauty and talent. We have record stores that highlight their albums instead of yours (which are stuck back in the "Oldies" section). We have Napster, whose users swap their hits like baseball cards but are too young to know who you are. Sure, they've got music videos and Pepsi commercials to showcase their talent. But you must stop dwelling on the fact that you're too old for MTV. This is not a time to be weak.
The public is being fooled by these pretenders. They are not sufficiently informed to protect their own self-interests. But I am, Barbra, and you must be too. I have all of your music (even your Christmas album). I bought The Prince of Tides on DVD. I supported you by introducing a Senate bill after you dissed Celine Dion for wearing fur. Hell, I've got a Funny Girl poster in my Senate chambers! Bipartisanship only works if you can trust the other side. We must work together.
Your donations to the Democratic Party permit you lecture us about how to handle the Republicans. (That line about the Supreme Coup? Genius.) But Babs, the fact is you're part of the problem. Last you weighed in on national affairs you threatened to leave the country if Bush became president. . . I can't help noticing that you're still here. At least Pierre Salinger kept his word. Anyway, let's act now and fight before it's too late! I know you can do it, Barbra. Nice girls finish last.
-- Tom
