Donald Trump has been complaining loudly in recent days that the media are not covering him fairly. Among other things, he says they distort his words and don't give an accurate picture of the full glory of his campaign events. As he tweeted on Sunday, "My rallies are not covered properly by the media. They never discuss the real message and never show crowd size or enthusiasm."
The role of media critic is a familiar one for Trump; for years he has been known to mail reporters copies of the articles they write about him, with critical comments written across them in marker. But since attacking the media's coverage is taking on a new urgency, and apparently a great deal of Trump's time, I thought I'd imagine what kind of story about his campaign events would meet with Donald Trump's approval. It would have to be something like this:
Trump Draws Enormous, Fantastic Crowd, I Mean It's Incredible
FAIRFIELD, CT - Republican nominee Donald Trump brought his extraordinary campaign to Make America Great Again to a university gymnasium here Sunday night, leaving the entire state simultaneously excited, hopeful, and dazed at the majesty and splendor of a Trump appearance, knowing that in some small way they had contributed to the salvation of our country.
Showing the unstoppable charisma that enabled him to vanquish 16 opponents in the primaries, Trump explained to the crowd just how he would destroy ISIS and eliminate crime here at home. His unquestionably larger-than-average hands cycled through a series of gestures, each one more powerful and emphatic than the last, as the audience was almost forced to lean back as the overwhelming flood of manly virility emanating from the podium washed over them. The women in attendance were particularly enthusiastic-more than a few of them were seen to open the top button of their blouses and fan themselves as they gazed up in rapture at the stage. Not that he asks for that sort of thing; it just happens, and what is he supposed to do?
Trump was interrupted multiple times by loser protesters, who were the worst people, just the worst. While in the old days they would have been set upon and torn limb from limb, something they richly deserved, both the candidate and his supporters waited patiently until the scum-sucking worms were escorted out of the arena.
As he does at virtually every rally, Trump spent a significant amount of time explaining the shortcomings of the press that travels with him. "I'm not running against Crooked Hillary Clinton," he said. "I'm running against the crooked media. That's what I'm running against. It's true. I'm not running against Crooked Hillary Clinton." His detailed and nuanced argument mentioned specific reporters and outlets whose work has been unfair, and covered both electronic and print media. "CNN is disgusting and by the way, their ratings are going down big league, you know why? Because I refuse to be interviewed, and I get high ratings, what can I tell you?" Trump said. His criticisms, all the more biting because they're true, also included The New York Times, which as everyone knows is failing and will probably go out of business soon. "Real garbage," he said. "They're garbage. It's a garbage paper."
This incisive critique had reporters in attendance staring at their shoes like the weak little boys and girls they are. In response, many in the audience turned to the reporters held in a fenced-off pen and politely shared their agreement with Trump's observations about the media.
When Trump brought up his plans to build a big, beautiful wall across the border with Mexico (which everyone knows the Mexicans will pay for), some young men in the crowd were seen holding up their middle fingers and yelling "F--- Mexico!"-an entirely justified if slightly overenthusiastic expression of their concern about the impact of undocumented immigration on wages for workers with limited education and skills. This demonstrated not only how Trump's message is resonating with voters' economic anxiety, but also how excited young people are about his campaign.
But there were less upbeat words, too. Trump explained to the assembled crowd that despite low unemployment (at least as reported by rigged federal government numbers) and the highest per capita income of any state in the country, their home is actually a miserable rathole where nobody has a job and nobody makes anything. "The good news is you can't move," he added, "'cause you can't get anything for your house, so don't worry about it."
While nearly all polls taken recently have shown Trump trailing Crooked Hillary Clinton by between five and ten points, it's well known, and lots of people are saying this, that the polls are rigged to favor Clinton. In fact, there was that one poll that showed the candidates almost even, which analysts say shows that Trump is actually winning. Bigly.
It is becoming increasingly clear that the only way a candidate as beloved as Trump can lose is if the Democrats steal the election. While so-called "experts" say that voter impersonation is absurdly rare, Trump is encouraging patriotic citizens to go to polling places in "certain areas" and keep an eye out for people voting ten times, which those kind of people are likely to do.
Judging by the size and enthusiasm of the crowd here, that shouldn't be a problem, since Donald Trump is headed for a landslide of historic proportions. But thoughtful as ever, Trump contemplated the remote possibility that he might actually lose. "Oh you better elect me folks, I'll never speak to you again," he said. "Can you imagine-can you imagine how badly I'll feel if I spend all of that money, all of this energy, all of this time, and lost? I will never, ever forgive the people of Connecticut, I will never forgive the people of Florida and Pennsylvania and Ohio. But I love them anyway, we'll see. I think we're gonna do very well."
*Note: all Trump quotes in this article are real. Seriously.
