Super PACs seem to be this election cycle's must-have accessory, on par with jelly bands and jeggings; not having one is clear sign that you're not hip with the times. For some election groupies, there is nothing much hotter than seeing the Federal Election Commission paperwork pile up in the wake of a Sheldon Adelson money tsunami, which is the only logical reason 593 of these committees raising unlimited amounts of dough for their candidate or issue of choice have been formed in the first presidential election since 2010's Citizens United decision. That, or the fact that being able to raise unlimited amounts of money—$318,988,070 so far—has been found to be an exceptionally potent and dangerous weapon in an election where just about every race, from the presidency to control of Congress, is nerve-wrackingly close.
Not all super PACs are quite so terrifying, though. Take Joe Six PAC, which hasn't raised a cent since it was formed in February, and whose leaders are crossing their fingers they won't have to bother disclosing any fundraising, ever. Their mission? Well, they believe in family values, since "family narratives have been at the heart of American governance since the Founding Fathers, with stories like Thomas Jefferson's undying love for Sally Hemmings or Alexander Hamilton's blissful family upbringing helping to define a truly American experience." They also believe in freedom, "whether John Adams' kind treatment of journalists or ... former Senator Strom Thurmond's compassionate support for equality." They also believe in the effectiveness of quotes involving beer pong in getting PR. We asked Joe Six PAC's president, Anthony Kao, a few questions in a quest to learn more about this super PAC which has neither priorities nor plans to restore our future.
So, what gave you the idea to start up a super PAC?
I was browsing Reddit one day and stumbled upon an article about someone in Florida who started 60 super PACs. I was initially somewhat incredulous about the story, but I went to the FEC website and, sure enough, those super PACs were real. Looking at FEC records also made me realize how absurdly easy the registration process is. I told my friend Richard about this and since we have a history of being business partners (we currently run a web development firm called BWC Productions together) and were exceedingly bored at the time, we filled out the paperwork and mailed it off within a day.
But you don't take donations—or at least make it impossible to do so on your web site. That makes filling out the FEC paperwork a breeze, but ... what's the point of having a super PAC, then? Have you collected any money?
As our quarterly filings so far indicate, we've collected $0.00. The point of having a super PAC is like having a Rolex. It's a pain to tell time with a Rolex, but it's great for looking rich and picking up girls. Similarly, our super PAC isn't here for raising money, but it gives us a very unique bragging right. We haven't had too much luck with our super PAC pickup lines though.
There are super PACs of all shapes and sizes, supporting a never-ending array of candidates and issues—some going so far as to oppose the very existence of super PACs. Where does Joe Six PAC fall on the pro/anti super PAC line?
We try not to fall on lines. Lines are like the Maginot line. In order to achieve success, you must think around them.
You've been registered since February 1—what have you been up to since then? Any big plans for the last few months before November?
For the past six months, we've seen our donations multiply by ten each month. In November, we hope to receive one million times the money we received in February.
On your website under your heading "We believe in Freedom," you express support for the Alien and Sedition Acts of 1798. Are there any more recent pieces of legislation or policy areas that you think need to be focused on this election cycle?
I personally hope that, if elected, candidates will pass the Ending Appellative Gaudiness for Legislative Efforts Act. This act would ban Congress from using excessively complicated, long, and cheesily patriotic names like "Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism" for future legislation.
Where do you keep your Troller T. Trollington Advocacy Award of 2081 and Displaying Unrequited Love to Citizens United Award of 2012? Are they prominently displayed at your headquarters?
Actually, they're in the same place as Mitt Romney's tax returns.
If Joe Six PAC could do some renovating on Mount Rushmore, what presidents would deserve to be up there?
James K. Polk—for achieving all four of his campaign promises: He resolved the Oregon dispute, acquired California, established an independent treasury, and lowered tariffs. No other President has done that, although maybe that's because they want to serve more than 1 term and not die three months after stepping down.
Who do you think Romney's going to pick for his VP?
Corporations are people, my friend. Romney will pick a corporation.
And if you had to sum up the essence of Joe Six PAC in a Buzzfeed listicle, what would that listicle be?
Suggested amounts you should donate to Joe Six PAC:
1. The amount of economic profit a representative firm in a perfectly competitive market makes
2. Amount equivalent to the number of non-Europeans who've headed the IMF
3. Amount equivalent to the number of known particles that travel faster than 3.00x10^8 m/s
4. Amount equivalent to the number of McDonald's in North Korea
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