The most surreal day at any National Football League training camp is the day that the referees drop by to chat. Various of the league's zebras stop in to discuss those rules that the NFL is planning to enforce with sufficient gusto as to cause members of the underground economy's investor class to hurl the dog at the television screen at critical moments.
This year, celebrations are on their mind. Over the last couple of years, it seems, players have become too elaborately overjoyed with scoring touchdowns. It began when Terrell Owens of San Francisco stowed a Sharpie in his sock and, upon scoring, whipped it out and autographed the ball. It continued last season when New Orleans wideout Joe Horn hid a cell phone in the goalpost padding and pretended to dial up a friend upon arriving in the end zone. Moreover, touchdowns have regularly been greeted with elaborate posing, high-stepping, ball-spinning, ensemble dance numbers and, as best as can be determined, the second act of Singin' In The Rain. The NFL has decided that this epidemic of fun has spread far enough.
So we had an earnest lecture from a fellow in a striped shirt about what will be allowed this year and what will not. For example, celebrations aimed directly at an opponent will be penalized. These include sack dances, home-run swings, military salutes (low bridge there, big John), spiking the ball, and something called “The Incredible Hulk,” which apparently is an elaborate flexing pose. This obviously is a preemptive move lest players begin working their way through the entire Marvel Comics catalog until they get to The Human Torch, in which they light one another on fire after every touchdown.
Also forbidden anywhere on the field are such uncivil gestures as throat-slashing, sexually suggestive gestures, and stomping on the opposing team's logo. Marketing being what it is to the NFL, I think that logo-stomping thing is the most serious offense of all. Of course, the interpretation of these rules is completely in the hands of the on-field officials, who will judge whether the celebration is one of “spontaneous exuberance.” Asking NFL referees to identify spontaneous exuberance is roughly akin to summoning the Council on Foreign Relations to judge the finals of American Idol.
As the referee droned on, my mind drifted from thoughts of spontaneous exuberance -- such as, say, tossing a cherry tomato at the gent -- to thoughts of politics, and about how the 2004 presidential campaign had already started to drift into the Land of the Slime Critters, and not just because of the arrival of the Swift Boat Veterans For Whoever's Writing The Checks. It was broadly hinted at in Washington that the White House was going to use its time and money during the run-up to the Republican national convention to make John Kerry a subject of humor and derision.
Which means they're going to be stomping on Kerry's logo pretty hard over the next month or so.
It is a wonderment, though, that this president is going to campaign for a while on the platform of making somebody else look ridiculous. The sheer audacity of it, considering that, every time he rises to speak, this president is even money to break an ankle getting from a subject to a verb, and that this president talks about the serious problem of international sex tourism without ever apparently consulting his brother Neil, who apparently lived for several years in Thailand working as a petri dish, and that this president could find neither oil in Texas nor his National Guard unit in Alabama. “Food on your family.” “Make the pie higher.” “Watch this drive.” The Pet Goat. With all the very big fish they have swimming around in their own very small barrels, they're now going to launch Operation Whoopie Cushion?
Wow.
I think it's time for the referees to visit the training camp here. After all, as we were told at length, the rules are enforced for everybody's safety. The reason that celebrations are being kept to a minimum in the NFL this season is supposedly because they stir up bad blood and get somebody hurt down the line. This White House may want the campaign fought out on the grounds of national security, or on the social issues that get the Christers all revved up and ready to rock. It damn sure doesn't want it fought out on the grounds of which man looks more ridiculous as president of the United States.
After all, as Rule 12, Section 3, Article 1 (as amended) of the NFL rules clearly states: “There shall be no unsportsmanlike conduct. This applies to any act contrary to the generally understood principles of sportsmanship.” I point this out as an appeal to reason. The rules exist to protect all the players -- and, of course, to maintain a dignified television program for the sponsors. Let that be your guide. Otherwise, things might get out of hand. For example, in my kitchen, right now, there is a bag of hammers, a very useful and practical item to have around for household chores. A couple of more weeks of Operation Whoopee Cushion and, I swear, I might start considering the notion that my bag of hammers is more useful as a metaphor.
Charles P. Pierce is a staff writer for The Boston Globe Magazine and a contributing writer for Esquire. He also appears regularly on National Public Radio.
