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McMegan writes:
I've had about ten requests from men to explain the phrase "winning the cocktail party". None from women.A male friend, who spends a not inconsiderable time cruising feminist sites, was one of those who asked what it meant. I find it odd to realize that most men don't observe something that is obvious to every woman I know: that there is a competitive male dynamic to groups that is completely different from the way female groups act. They don't know, of course, because unless the group is overwhelmingly female, the dynamic of any mixed group always defaults to male, with women fading back into supporting conversational roles. Maybe it's the kind of thing you can only observe by contrast to the extremely anti-competitive nature of female groups.The easiest way to put it (and this is hardly original) is that men in groups are focused on their role within the group. Women in groups are focused on the group. Men gain status by standing out from the group; women gain status by submerging themselves into it--by strengthening the group, often at the expense of themselves.I never know what to think about these posts, because I don't trust my sample. I happen to be in an extremely conversationally competitive group and profession, and though I can think of five or six guys in my social circle (myself included, probably) who have a conversational style that mixes debate class with Thunderdome, I can think of three or four women who do the same. I would add, though, that Megan's final point goes in both directions: She's underestimating the degree to which male group dynamics are affected by the presence of women. It's not simply that mixed-gender groups revert to the male dynamic. Rather, they amplify it. Guys are more competitive, more interested in standing out, when there are women around. That's the situation for which those behaviors evolved. I imagine it's often annoying to be an attractive girl, as you walk into groups at parties and guy begin performing to make you laugh/think they're smart/make you like them. But Megan's point about female dynamics tracks with what lots of women have described to me, so I assume it's correct. But as I said, my sample size is small. What do you folks think?
