A couple of weeks back, I got this e-mail from John Kerry:
“Dear Tony,
Last night on 60 Minutes, Bob Woodward said Saudi Arabian Prince Bandar [bin Sultan] pledged to … lower gas prices before the 2004 election. This pledge has cost U.S. consumers literally billions of dollars in higher gas prices.”
-- John Kerry
Huh? Higher? Lower? Now? Later? This is how JFK II communicates? I think I know what he means, but is this any way to save the republic from the Republicans?
Then, a few days ago, another e-mail introduced me to Kerry's younger brother, Cameron, except he was identified as “Cam.” Now Cam is not a great keyword on the Web -- when I Googled it, the helpful suggestion for further info was “thousands of live adult webcams.”
There's a maladroit quality to the Kerry campaign. I'm nervous that in coming weeks I'll be seeing other equally lucid e-mails:
“Dear Tony,
George W. Bush has said we must stay the course in Iraq and that it will be at least a year before we can bring the troops home. I say Bush is playing politics with the lives of our brave young men and women.
How do we bring the troops back from Iraq as soon as possible? Simple: Ship 100,000 more troops over there.
Please send me some money.
-- John Kerry”
“Dear Tony,
George W. Bush has refused to apologize for his year of absence during Vietnam when he was supposedly serving his country with the Texas Air National Guard.
By contrast, I have apologized for the courageous stands I took on Vietnam after earning the right to do so by courageously serving my country. I am doing this to pacify people who never fought in Vietnam and who will never vote for me.
That is why I am asking for your vote.
And money.
-- John Kerry”
“Dear Tony,
George W. Bush, a rich white guy from Yale, cut taxes for his rich friends to the tune of about $3 trillion.
As a rich white guy from Yale, I wasn't sure about this. So I initially came out against it, then went absent at the final vote. Smart, I think you'll agree. Leave my options open. You never know when a bad idea will turn out good. Now, I don't think it's good. Except in certain cases, like not so rich people.
This is not a flip-flop. I'm willing to concede the possibility that it has the appearance of a flop-flip. Or even, as my lovely wife puts it, a flipperty-flopperty-boo. But neither of those is a flip-flop, is it?
If you have already sent me some money, please send some more.
-- John Kerry”
“Dear Tony
George W. Bush has taken an unprecedented step in a vital issue of our times -- the Israeli-Palestinian conflict -- by throwing U.S. support unequivocally to Israel.
This is a disastrous break with good policy. I believe peace in the Middle East can only be achieved if we support Ariel Sharon's right to kill anyone, anywhere, anytime, provided it's in self-defense and not if they're innocent civilians, but bearing in mind that no Palestinian civilians are innocent.
This balanced approach to an intractable issue sends a powerful message to George W. Bush.
Let's be on the right side for once. I know I can count on you to be on mine.
Have you sent any money yet?
-- John Kerry”
“Dear Tony
You know, Republicans never consider the other guys' points of view, do they? Republican mouthpieces like FOX News or Rush Limbaugh never take time out to balance their opinions or news coverage with someone from ‘our' side. They're just completely focused on winning at all costs and flattening anyone who opposes them.
Well, I think politics is about more than just winning. I believe that it is the Democrats' ability to look ourselves squarely in the face and make concessions to the other guys' points of view -- and even apologize for our mistakes where necessary -- that distinguishes us from Republicans.
Whether or not you agree, I'm sure you'll see my point and respect my right to make it.
Don't worry too much about the money. It's more the thought really, that you might be considering sending some. Are you?
-- John Kerry”
“Dear Tony
An increasing number of people are saying: ‘John Kerry, why don't you come out swinging one of these days? Attack! With clear, simple positions on the venal and devious men in power. Come out passionately for the desperate working men and women who haven't had a job in years because we're being sucked dry by a corrupt, stock-driven economy manipulated by unregulated corporate greed. Tap into some of the anger that Howard Dean did -- at the arrogant, sanctimonious, hypocritical, meretricious mediocrities who have wrecked our economy, looted our Treasury, subverted our Constitution, and dragged our republic's honor through the mud for four agonizing years.'
They say: ‘John Kerry, as we've seen many times this year, when you hit George W. Bush in the face with the truth, his tough-tall-Texan facade crumbles into tongue-tied shiftiness and petulant finger-pointing. We see he's just as duplicitous and spineless a nonentity as his father. So why not, John Kerry? What are you waiting for?'
Tony, let me tell you why this approach, while sounding inspiring and electrifying and even possibly like a winning strategy, may not be wise. Let's say, hypothetically, because you know and I know this isn't going to happen.
But let's say, just for the sake of argument, that George W. Bush does win in November. Stranger things have happened, right? Look at 2000. Now, where does that leave me? I'm still in the Senate. I've still got to get along with the guy. Life goes on, Tony. In the Senate, as a great Democrat once said, to get along you go along. I can't tell Bush in public what I say about him in private -- and certainly not what almost 60 percent of the country is saying. He'd never deal with me again. Plus, it would rupture that all-important code of Senate civility. You just don't do that, Tony, not on our side of the aisle, anyway.
So let's keep it civil and win with grace, or -- if it should be God's will -- the other thing. But at least with grace.
By the way, forget about the money. It's fine. Terry McAuliffe says he's got plenty tucked away. Money's not the problem.
-- John Kerry”
Tony Hendra is an author and an actor. His latest book, Father Joe: The Man Who Saved My Soul, has just been published by Random House. Talk to Tony at tonyhendra.com.
