The Church of Chuck:
• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
• The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
• Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
• Chuck Norris does not go hunting because "hunting" implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
• Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Use comments to suggest your own.
