New Demolition

I spent five years of my life in Wisconsin and I am still fond of the place. So much so that I got very concerned about the recent proposal that Wisconsinites be allowed to go hunting for what is apparently an overpopulation of feral cats. (I presume these are four-legged feral cats, and not the feral cats with whom I once spent a cold night on the banks of Lake Monona, waiting for Otis Redding's body to rise. Most of them are working in software now.)

I was concerned partly because I didn't want my adopted home state to look foolish in the eyes of the nation. Imagine the video on CNN: A whole fleet of cars, driving back down to Fort Atkinson, each with two Siamese and a tabby lashed to the bumper. That would look bad even if you were driving a Volkswagen.

I was also concerned that, if this law passed, poor Russ Feingold might have Bill Frist living on his sofa for six months at a time.

Common sense prevailed, and the law died a quick death, but it got me thinking about the New Democrats. Almost any bad idea does, and this was no exception. In case you haven't noticed, the New Democrats have decided that it's time to hit ourselves over the head with a hammer again. It's time to find a middle ground on Social Security. It's time to move forward on judicial appointments. It's time to deplore, publicly and as often as possible, the terrible blight that is popular culture. Oh, and it's time to git us some of that religion stuff, too. This, of course, despite the fact that, on precisely these three important issues, the Republicans appear suddenly to have all the political instincts of a gravel rake.

"Success!" say the New Democrats, downing flutes of champagne. Then they lay their glasses carefully down on the table and hurl themselves into the fireplace.

It has become fairly obvious at this point that we are governed by an administration and a congressional majority pretty much made up of vandals. There is no procedural crockery they won't break, no constitutional monument they won't deface in order to get what they want. Tom DeLay -- who ought never in his life again say anything that doesn't begin with the phrase, "To the best of my recollection" -- just recently decided that every Congress going back to the Madison administration had wimped out by allowing judicial review to continue to exist. This is history written with a spray can. This is Americanism as a brick through the window.

(Mandatory Faith-Based Anecdote: So far, this bunch has managed to avoid the precedent set back in the 9th century, when Pope Stephen VI dug up the corpse of his predecessor, Formosus The Only, put it on trial, convicted it, and eventually had the body tossed into the Tiber. Were I the folks in charge of, say, FDR's grave site, I might put on some extra people this month.)

I am a bit unnerved by this development; so are a number of my friends. Not so the brave New Democrats, who can see amid the various potsherds of democracy lying at their feet the glimmering of actual opportunity, if it is just they who are allowed to glue everything back together again. The one thing we must not do -- Not ever! Oh, no. -- is try to make anyone pay actual political restitution for the damage that he or she has caused. That would be shrill, you see, and counterproductive, and it would prevent people -- who are probably poor and need work to keep from becoming an electoral liability in the suburbs of Wichita -- from getting regular jobs sweeping up the wreckage. So, given that, we present to you the New Democrat Approach to Vandalism.

1. Holy moly! You find that a young man has tagged your priceless European tapestry with gang graffiti. Do you:
   1. See that he is arrested.
   2. Thank him for not spray-painting the Monet across the room.
   3. Compliment him on his spelling.
   4. Blame Michael Moore.

2. Gee whiz! Someone has sawed all the heads off your garden gnomes. Do you:
   1. Call the local police.
   2. Shine up the headless gnomes and put them back in front of the house.
   3. Apologize to the neighbors for all the heads inconveniently lying around.
   4. Blame George Soros.

3. Jiminy Christmas! You arrive home to discover that all the windows in your greenhouse full of rare orchids have been broken with a baseball bat. Do you:
   1. Go out with a bigger bat looking for the people involved.
   2. Make beautiful handmade jewelry from the bits of glass and shiny steel.
   3. Recognize the obvious market forces at work and plant geraniums next time.
   4. Blame MoveOn.org

4. Oh, my goodness! A miscreant has chopped down the 200-year-old oak tree in back of the house. Do you:
   1. Engage the services of a private detective specializing in cases of obvious Quercuside.
   2. Plant a new tree paid for by generous contributions from Poulan, Craftsman, and Husqvarna.
   3. Understand how someone might be driven to do this by environmental extremists.
   4. Blame Howard Dean.

5. Mercy sakes alive! Someone has run up on the front lawn, over the dog, and spelled out “YOU'RE NEXT!” in 8-inch-deep letters with his front tires. Do you:
   1. Take casts of the tire tracks and bury the dog.
   2. Engage the tire tracks in constructive dialogue: Resolved; "I am, perhaps, maybe, not necessarily next."
   3. Throw away the casts of the tire tracks as counterproductive and look ahead to the future. Prudently get off the lawn.
   4. Blame the dog.

In every case, every answer except "A" is correct.

Mandatory Faith-Based Moral: The folks at FDR's grave site can rest easily. After he had Formosus thrown into the river, Pope Stephen eventually was strangled in his prison cell.

See? Things are looking up.

Charles P. Pierce is a staff writer for The Boston Globe Magazine and a contributing writer for Esquire. He also appears regularly on National Public Radio.