TO: The Database
FROM: The Hard Drive of Allah
RE: Four more years!
Greetings, o multifarious martyrs to be! Good morning, Afghanistan! Good morning, Iraq!
Today the Hard Drive has a surprise for its faithful Database. Let us praise Allah a thousand, thousand times for sending us George W. Bush! After his three and half years in office, could we have dreamed of the power and visibility we now have? Assuredly not, o my brothers. Thanks to the Beelzebub Bush, we are a global brand!
How has this happened? Consider:
The crusaders are even now hotly debating whose fault the 11th of September was. Let us answer for them: We would never have attacked America during the reign of the cloven-hoofed Bill Clinton. He was too wily a diplomat; he had curried too much favor abroad; he could have whipped up European and Asian and even Arab rage, forged a lasting worldwide coalition against us, strangled us in infancy.
But kismet intervened. A man appeared from the wilderness, ignorant of the world beyond the wide moats of the Atlantic and Pacific, suspicious of all those the goat devil Clinton had cultivated so assiduously. Yes, my brothers, in the greatness of his wisdom, Allah sent us George W. Bush and his gang of myopic blowhards, who then set about alienating every nation on Earth -- friends and neutrals alike -- with their sanctimonious arrogance. Our time had come!
There was still the danger that they would use stealth instead of swagger, brain instead of brawn. We picked up intense chatter about sending massive financial assistance to poor Muslim nations, rebuilding their infrastructures, reforming their governments, even undercutting our core recruiting issue by reining in Israel. Or that they planned to infiltrate our cells, assassinate us covertly, and marginalize us in our own homelands by subversion, fifth-column journalism, disinformation, double agents -- all the devastating skills they honed against the Russians devils.
Instead, the fools chose war. Against Afghanistan! A war we invited, expected, welcomed, longed for! But where we saw the fate of martyrs gratefully accepted, the world saw the mightiest army on Earth attacking one of its weakest, most impoverished, and war-torn nations! Our gamble was paying off at odds greater than we could ever have imagined! For every bomb that fell on the Afghans, an explosion of rage shook all Islam! For every shard that flew from their anti-personnel ordnance into unarmed flesh, another European warrior sprang forward!
Meanwhile, their press called the campaign against us a world war, as epochal a struggle as that against Hitler. In their desperate need for a new demon to replace the dead demon of communism, they made us into monsters as all-powerful as Stalin and his generals! The thrice-accursed New York Times constructed a vast and looming conflict between obscurantism and modernism, the Dark Ages versus the New World Order, claiming that we commanded one side of an imminent final battle between Euro-American democracy and a billion benighted sons of the Prophet.
Us? A couple of hundred captains with a few thousand infantry scattered in low-cost housing across a dozen countries? O my brave brothers, your Hard Drive is second to none in our admiration for the boundless courage of our Database, but we all know that until Bush, even within the mighty fortress of Islam, many saw us as bumbling fanatics and lethal political liabilities!
But now we are in America's Most Wanted Hall of Fame, heroes of half the planet! Had we spent 10 fortunes on burnishing our image we could never have accomplished this!
Came another gift: Iraq! Pursuing his personal vendetta against Saddam Hussein (for daring to threaten his daddy), our hero declared war on a second weak, impoverished, war-torn nation, this time one that the United Nations had completely disarmed! This time without an iota of support or sympathy from anyone, except those transparently bribed with promises of cheap oil to sign a piece of paper!
And Iraq was the gift that kept on giving! First, they removed our hated enemy, the infidel Hussein! Thank you, Beelzebub, a thousand times! Second, Hussein's removal ensured that the Shia would soon control Iraq! Thank you again, great Satan! Third, they provided us with a vast training ground for a new generation of mujahideen! Fourth, they gave us a year to regroup -- a hundred times stronger than before! Fifth, they shook the trees of our other enemies, infidels like Muammar Quaddafi, Bashar Assad, and the clown Yasir Arafat! Once these impious despots are gone, who will fill the vacuum! Us! See, o clear-eyed brothers, a pure Islamic nation, true to the word of the Prophet, stretching as Allah has always willed, from Morocco to the Hindu Kush!
With enemies like Bush, who needs friends? Thanks to his harem of idiots, America is more loathed around the world than she has been since the days of slavery. Could we have hoped for such a miracle four short years ago? From being an impossible dream, the end of the crusaders' corrupt rule now glimmers on the horizon. Our ultimate goal: an America forced to retreat into America! An America as impotent, hated, and fearful behind its watery walls as the Zionists will assuredly be inside the new Masada they are building around themselves!
How do we accelerate this goal? Verily, my brothers, our total focus for the next seven months must be the re-election of George W. Bush!
The family has been instructed to contribute copious treasure to the Bush campaign, either laundered through American entities with Arab ties -- like Halliburton, Bechtel, KBR, Exxon, The Carlyle Group -- or funneled through Arab American "rangers" and "pioneers" in Houston, Dallas, San Diego, the Grand Caymans, and other strongholds of the Republican guard.
U.S. operatives are hereby instructed to volunteer for the grim reaper, aka John Kerry. They will subvert his campaign by various means -- for instance, by urging conciliatory policies toward Islamic countries or posing as victims of U.S. atrocities in Afghanistan and Iraq. At the appointed time, they will disappear overnight, and the U.S. media will be alerted to the Kerry campaign's infiltration by ... us!
He whose name is not spoken, mighty Osama bin Laden, is even considering allowing a lookalike of himself to be captured by the Americans in early to mid-October! All praise to our selfless new Saladin, wherever I may be!
Let us not forget prayer! Fill the ears of Allah with your clamor: Four more years! Pray that George Bush will triumph on November 2 with all 50 states blazing red -- for the fires of hell! Whereupon we, o my brothers, will jump for joy -- and jihad!
Tony Hendra is an author and an actor. His next book, Father Joe: The Man Who Saved My Soul, will be published by Random House in April.
