My Rube Goldberg Machine of Primary Dreams

Getting the Democrats out of their dilemma

by

This article appears in the December 2023 issue of The American Prospect magazine. Subscribe here.

I’ve feared writing this column for months. I pushed aside those polls for too long. But something needs to be done. I’m scared for Joe Biden’s chances. Not like James Carville scared, but actually scared.

Unlike Dean Phillips, I have a plan. Something that will make Biden feel like it was his idea to step aside. Something that will definitely work, and prevent the return of tanning-bed Mussolini. Something simple. Here goes:

Step 1: Marianne Williamson knits a voodoo doll of a secret service agent. Just as she sticks it, Commander Biden bites yet another agent on the leg. Not wanting to give up on him like she did Major, FLOTUS leaves the White House to spend time training the dog in Delaware.

Step 2: Alone on the campaign trail, Joe Biden falls down a YouTube rabbit hole of Cornel West videos. Cornel speaking on civil rights, Cornel marching, Cornel dancing. He makes some good points and has incredible hair. Joe misses Jill and the quiet of their old home.

Step 3: Kimberly Guilfoyle receives a Cameo request to berate Gavin Newsom the way she used to when they were a couple. The video gets back to the governor, and includes her telling him no grown man with the name Gavin will ever be president. He fumes.

Step 4: After an anonymous call warns of an impending coup, Vice President Kamala Harris is called away to the Caribbean island of St. Lucia. It’s hurricane season, and one makes landfall just as she tries to leave, trapping the Veep on the island.

Step 5: While walking out of a New York City steakhouse, Cenk Uygur happens to bump into RFK Jr., literally. He apologizes and notices a tattered vaccine card on the ground belonging to the presidential hopeful. RFK Jr. has, it turns out, been vaccinated and boosted against COVID-19. Supporters flee.

Step 6: While campaigning in New Hampshire, Joe Biden runs into Cornel West, who recently started using a fragrant new conditioner. His hair smells so good. Biden can’t resist taking a whiff.

Step 7: Gavin Newsom seeks solace once again at The French Laundry. A tea-leaf reader, newly hired to spice up the restaurant, reads the governor his cup. His leaves have perfectly formed the shape of the state of Iowa. The restaurant gasps.

Step 8: Back on St. Lucia, the hurricane has cleared but Pete Buttigieg posts a selfie with the CEO of Southwest Airlines, prompting an air traffic controller strike that Biden refuses to break. Flights are grounded.

Step 9: A photo of the president grabbing a Black man’s hair and huffing it like potpourri goes viral. Democratic consultants in Iowa, who need a primary like Ticketmaster needs a service fee, see their opportunity.

Step 10: J.B. Pritzker and Gretchen Whitmer hold a séance to summon the spirit that has been haunting Sen. Mitch McConnell to visit Joe Biden and persuade him to drop out. The spirit appears as Commander Biden. “Come back to Delaware with me and Jill! Give me the life I deserved! Eh … You’re old!” the spirit exclaims.

Step 11: Biden, just wanting to have a catch with his dog again, drops out the next morning. Newsom, Whitmer, and Pritzker jump in. Harris has yet to rebook a flight.

You’re welcome, America.

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