Illustration by Jandos Rothstein
This proclamation appears in the February 2024 issue of The American Prospect magazine. Subscribe here.
Why are Trump and the Heritage Foundation the only ones who get to cosplay dictatorship in 2024? Here are the decrees, orders, and half-baked whims of my very own tyrannical rule.
Loyal Subjects of The United GirlFrans of America (formerly known as The United States),
Below are the first 17 orders I have decreed as your Almighty Forever Socialist Girl Boss Francesca Fiorentini. Failure to obey the following will result in seven months’ hard labor, at $30 an hour, the new federal minimum wage:
ORDER I: Every person shall be subject to routine medical screenings. We’re talking mammograms, colonoscopies, CT scans, allergy tests, sleep studies, and astrology readings. All medical and mental health appointments and procedures are free of charge; however, you will be polygraphed when answering how many drinks you have a week.
ORDER II: All yachts are hereby public domain. Like a soccer field or a Yosemite campsite, there is now a sign-up sheet online.
ORDER III: Two-thirds of all police departments will be transitioned into “Public Chill Brigades.” The PCBs will be armed with CBD oil and palo santo and staffed with social workers, mental health therapists, and shouting fifth-grade math teachers. Their task is to enforce “chill.”
ORDER IV: Every playground must have an attached beer garden. This is in addition to universal pre-K starting at six months of age. Mommy and Daddy need their juice too.
ORDER V: The U.S.-Mexico border will be replaced by a cross-cultural flea market, complete with food trucks and massage stations for weary travelers.
ORDER VI: Commercials shall be muted at all times. If you can’t sell the public on unmuting your ad, how are you going to sell them on your product?
ORDER VII: Every street corner must have an abortion clinic, and a green space showing nightly outdoor screenings of The Breakfast Club or Downton Abbey.
ORDER VIII: All plastic bags, straws, cups, and takeout containers are outlawed. Let Pyrex—and the oceans—reign.
ORDER IX: I am coming for your guns. Our gun buyback program is generous, as you shall be given a year of therapy in exchange. All reclaimed firearms shall be melted down into tracks for the national high-speed rail system.
ORDER X: Drinking water is henceforth free at every concert or sporting event. Beers shall be no more than $5 apiece, with mixed drinks no more than $8. Cameras will be watching for a fair pour.
ORDER XI: If you are on hold for more than ten minutes with an airline, you fly for free.
ORDER XII: Universal days off for PMS and period cramps, to lie on the couch and cry while watching muted commercials.
ORDER XIII: Only people with C- to B+ voices are allowed to sing karaoke. If you can’t hold a tune, go bowling. If you’re Mariah Carey, go professional, show-off.
ORDER XIV: Billionaires will be taxed out of existence, unless they can successfully reach Mars within six months of this decree. Their progress will be monitored by a Hunger Games–like reality show. Consider this the starting gun.
ORDER XV: The airwaves for TV and radio will be publicly controlled. News programs will be fact-checked live, like the old VH1 show Pop Up Video.
ORDER XVI: The surgeon general will issue a strong audio warning to be played ahead of every right-wing anti-vax fake guru podcast. The surgeon general will be comedian Katt Williams.
ORDER XVII: After abolishing the Electoral College and gerrymandered districts, and balancing the Senate to represent the population, my tyranny involves running for re-election and honoring the results should I lose. But with the above orders instituted, who’s beating me?
