This missive from beyond appears in the October 2022 issue of The American Prospect magazine. Subscribe here.
WE, THE UNDERSIGNED, are ghosts, witches, graveyard-dwellers, devils, werewolves, mummies, creepies, crawlies, and birthday clowns. We are fright workers, who make a living scaring the living. Most of us are independent contractors, working in dangerous conditions night after night terrifying children, or lurking for hours in the shadows without bathroom breaks.
Illustration by Greg Houston
We are writing to express our deep concerns about the growing attempts to replace real spooks with living ghouls through the mortal ceremony you call “elections.” It’s bad enough that every two years these pointless dog and pony shows eclipse our sacred All Hallows’ Eve. In late October, mortals are busy “writing letters to voters” and “text banking” instead of holding makeshift séances or exploring haunted houses. Putrid. All because of your elections and your candidates, who are threatening the livelihoods of ordinary zombies trying to make an honest buck. These are nothing more than spook scabs.
While our ghosts take pains to cover their hideousness in shrouds, they’re being made irrelevant by the living, who don’t even bother wearing white sheets. Take Blake Masters, the man running for a Senate seat in Arizona. Masters is a venture capitalist, a white nationalist, and has praised the writings of the Unabomber. He refuses to pick a scare lane, which goes against the basic principles of fright. (You think Dracula doesn’t ALSO want to turn into a wolf when there’s a full moon out?!) Masters’s embrace of “great replacement” theory and calling immigration “an invasion” threatens the hard work of legendary creatures like the Chupacabra, who says no one even mentions her anymore.
Did you know children don’t even say “Bloody Mary” three times into the mirror anymore to summon her mutilated body? No. Now they say “Kari Lake,” Arizona’s GOP candidate for governor. At a rally, Lake said that Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis has “Big DeSantis Energy,” which when he heard this, made Jason Voorhees vomit inside his hockey mask. How is he supposed to do his job now?
Over in Pennsylvania, the freaks are also out. Republican candidate for governor Doug Mastriano promotes a shadowy cult that worships a dark lord who lies in wait and goes by the name of “Q.” How are we supposed to compete with that? The bogeyman is anonymous too, but when’s the last time Chardonnay-soaked soccer moms set up a Facebook fan page in his honor?
We would also mention Dr. Oz, but he scares no one. Plus, John Fetterman is quite literally the same height as Frankenstein, which honestly puts the ole boy on edge.
In Georgia, Senate candidate Herschel Walker’s popularity, despite his inability to speak, is a direct knockoff of hard-working mummies. Where are their royalties for his cheap imitation? Meanwhile, J.D. Vance of Ohio stalks the Senate race while offering his head up to the highest bidder—Peter Thiel or the Mercer family. We already have the Headless Horseman! And “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” is a far better read than Hillbilly Elegy.
We, the merchants of screams, have had enough. We are the true soulless opportunists who unnecessarily spread fear, and no Republican will replace us! Their scabbing has led to a speedup of scares and nightmares that we ghouls haven’t seen in hundreds of years. We have appreciated the years of support and the opportunities that the living have offered us, from haunted hayrides to never getting rid of that old grandfather clock in your living room. But we are now joining in one bloodcurdling howl to say BOOOOOOOOOOOO. Vote these imposters out and save fright workers everywhere.
Sincerely,
THE UNDEAD
