This article appears in the April 2022 issue of The American Prospect magazine. Subscribe here.
The pandemic made us scramble for ways to cope. Some of us started sourdough, Putin started a war. And you might be wondering what you can do to stop Russia and how you can make Putin pay. This official guide from the U.S. Department of Pointless Exercises (DoPE) is here to help.
First off, let’s remember this is a new war for a digital age, where the threat of nuclear Armageddon is surely as costly as the threat of being canceled. So if we can purge our lives of any trace of Russianness through a round of self-sanctions, Putin’s attacks will surely come to a grinding halt:
Beverages. When you’re out on the town trying to get sloshed with the girls, no more Moscow Mules. Sure, they’re spicy and delicious, but what if Kacy posts a selfie to IG and there you are in the background sucking down the enemy’s cocktail? Same goes for White Russians. They may have been the Dude’s favorite, but even he agrees this aggression will not stand, man.
If you own a business and serve these drinks, simply rename them the “American Mule” or the “White American.” The latter will most definitely attract a new kind of clientele, so be sure not to ask for their vax cards.
Russian nesting dolls. Sorry, those tchotchkes collecting dust on your Nana’s mantel must be tossed. Except for the little one. She did nothing wrong.
Fur hats. Not sure if they’re Russian but they make you look Russian, so close enough.
The Nutcracker. Written by Russian composer Pyotr Tchaikovsky, so that’s out. No more Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy, no more weird sexually charged obsession with inanimate walnut-cracking wooden dolls.
Russian roulette. Henceforth it will be known as “American roulette,” which makes way more sense. What could be a higher-stakes game of life and death with gunplay than simply going into any public space in the United States?
Method acting. It was developed by Konstantin Stanislavski to help actors become fully their characters as well as intolerably self-serious human beings. Looking at you, Jared Leto. This one will not be missed.
The helicopter. Sure, it may seem like a great invention—whisking trauma victims and high-powered celebrities alike from destination to destination—but the first mass-produced version was developed by Igor Sikorsky in 1939 and is therefore a creation of the enemy. Same goes for the cargo parachute, developed by Gleb Yevgeniyevich Kotelnikov. Let’s learn how to land on our own two feet already! From now on when we travel, we will use the gondola—lift or boat—both developed by Italians, who are safe, for now.
The periodic table. Chemist Dmitri Mendeleev laid it all out in that overly complicated scrambled alphabet that I am now glad I never properly memorized. Looking back, perhaps the periodic table was a long con to hypnotize the world with shiny metals and strange gases. Plus, if we’d never discovered the mix of hydrogen or carbon, we would’ve never discovered fossil fuels, and Putin’s petro-funded war (not to mention most American wars) would’ve never been possible. Blame the table!
If we can implement these simple steps to rid ourselves of excessive Russianness, Putin’s aggression will not last the week. Soon enough, we’ll all get back to guzzling cheap gas, exporting tar sands oil to Europe, and investing in F-35s rather than pre-K throughout the rest of humankind’s waning time on Earth.
