Ted Cruz, 100 Percent American

I've decided, after many painful hours of reflection, to come out of the closet. I hope when I've told you my secret you won't think less of me, and remember that our shared humanity provides us with bonds that should be secure enough to overcome the repulsion you might feel at learning who I really am. Here goes: Like future presidential candidate and Texas senator Ted Cruz, I too was born in Canada to an American mother. Whew! Feels great to get that off my chest.

I've lived in the States (that's what they call America up there) since I was 2, unlike that highly suspicious Cruz, who waited all the way until he was four-years-old to depart for the U.S. of A. What was he doing during those years? Training as some sort of spy for the maple-syrup cartel? Acquiring goods and services with currency stamped with a picture of a foreign monarch? For the love of George Washington, was he playing hockey?

These questions obviously need answers if we're to decide whether Cruz's particularly cruel brand of right-wing extremism is right for America, or if he'd be better off running for mayor of Yellowknife.

Constitutional experts agree that as an American born abroad, Cruz qualifies as a "natural-born citizen" and is therefore perfectly eligible to be president. This is what my high school history teacher, the redoubtable and compassionate Ms. Pinder, informed me when I asked her the same question about myself those many years ago. So far, the only person questioning Cruz's eligibility seems to be the cretinous Donald Trump, but that hasn't stopped Team Cruz from going into full crisis mode. First they released his birth certificate, despite the fact that no one was actually questioning the circumstances of his birth (unlike Barack Obama, Cruz freely admits to having come into the world on foreign soil). But I guess that's what we do now. And then, having learned that by virtue of being born in the Great White North the Canadian government may still consider him one of their own, Cruz has vowed to renounce his Canadian citizenship. Having long ago abjured the Canadian qualities of modesty and politeness, it should be a relatively simple process. By the time this is over, Cruz may well buy time on national television so we can watch him crush a pile of Bryan Adams CDs with a steamroller.

You might remember that the "natural-born citizen" question came up briefly with regard to John McCain, who was born on a Navy base in Panama. The collective response from supporters and opponents alike was, "Whatever," because even though the Founders didn't foresee the possibility of Panamanian naval bases, as long as you're a Republican, nobody really cares whether you can be excluded from running for the presidency based on some tendentious reading of three words in the Constitution. It is ironic, though, that this nation of immigrants is one of the only ones that has such a requirement for its highest office; there have been plenty of leaders of other countries who were born abroad.

And remember just a few years ago when Republicans were proposing amending the Constitution so Arnold Schwarzenegger could become president? Maybe they could renew that campaign, to show Hispanic voters that they really do love immigrants.

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