In a desperate display of legal legerdemain, Uber general counsel Tony West responded yesterday to the California legislature's passage of a bill compelling companies to stop misclassifying their employees as independent contractors—as Uber does its drivers—with the novel legal theory that the drivers and the rides they provide aren't part of Uber's central business mission, and thus, the law doesn't apply to the company. As Prospect staff writer Alex Sammon reports, the company contends that “Uber’s business is not providing rides but, West said, ‘serving as a technology platform for several different types of digital marketplaces.’” Accordingly, in plain violation of the law, West said the company would refuse to reclassify its drivers.
West's brainstorm may compel other businesses and even government agencies to redefine their core mission. Herewith, a modest example of how that might go:
THE SCENE: The San Francisco street and sidewalk directly outside Uber's corporate headquarters. The building is engulfed in flames, and its fleeing employees stand on the sidewalk gaping at the blaze as fire engines pull up and firefighters jump off the trucks and join the employees on the sidewalk. There, they stand, motionless.
One Uber Manager, to a firefighter: Thank God you’re here!
Firefighter: Yep. That’s some fire. [He cocks his head, admiring it from several angles.]
Uber Manager: Umm—aren’t you going to put it out? We could lose the whole building.
Firefighter: Well, here’s our mission. [He pulls out his iPhone and shows it to the manager.] It says, “Respond to fire at Uber HQ”—see? We’ve responded. Doesn’t say anything about putting the fire out.
Uber Manager: But that’s your job! Your core mission!
Firefighter: Nope. Our core mission is to respond to fires. That’s all. [A long silence while Uber manager stands with mouth agape. Then, the firefighter continues.] Is everyone out of the building?
Uber Manager: Everyone but Tony West, our general counsel. He said he had to collect his legal briefs on our real core mission.
Look—there he is! That second-story window!
Tony West: I can’t get out! I’ll have to jump!
West jumps to the sidewalk, awkwardly, since he's holding reams of legal briefs. He lands off balance and apparently breaks his ankle. As he writhes in pain on the sidewalk, the firefighters gather round and look at him.
Uber Manager, to firefighters: Well—respond!
Firefighters: Great jump! [They applaud.]
