This article appears in the February 2023 issue of The American Prospect magazine. Subscribe here.
The Special Committee to Investigate Hunter Biden’s Lap███
Closed Session
March 3, 2023
Attendance:
Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) (chair)
Rep. Andrew Biggs (R-AZ)
Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)
Rep. Paul Gosar (R-AZ)
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)
Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY)
Minutes:
Call to Order
Rep. Gaetz called the meeting to order at 3:17 p.m. Late start on account of Rep. Greene filming Cameo requests in the congressional gym. Gaetz called the meeting to order with the singing of “McCarthy’s a Bitch” to the tune of “God Save the King,” as stipulated in negotiations over the House Speaker vote.
Image Reconstruction Report
Rep. Boebert unveiled a successful 3D-printed rendition of the unit, based on the multiple “Elon-liberated” photographs. Rep. Gaetz remarked on the impressive size. Boebert consulted a MAGA urologist and someone described as “Trevor from the D.C. Apple Genius Bar” to understand both the scope and shape of it and the angle of the iPhone-ography. Instructions were then given to an animator (who has never worked for Woke Disney) to mock up and print the model. Total spent: “$450,000-something” according to Boebert, who said she will bring receipts. Rep. Nadler reminded the committee that all expenses must be accounted for.
“Gets It From Dad” Update
Rep. Biggs presented the results of the action plan to find out if Hunter’s endowment was yet another thing his father bestowed on him. Unfortunately, the Secret Service was unsuccessful in convincing the president that his Shirley Temple recipe had not been altered, and he opted for his usual warm whole milk instead. This left the president far too conscious to execute the investigation. Biggs presented a new proposal to sew a small camera into the president’s Land’s End pajamas. There was some discussion of logistics. Rep. Nadler reminded the committee of the illegality of both concepts.
“Does Crack Help?” Report
Rep. Gosar reported back on Operation Smoked Wood regarding how crack cocaine, when smoked, affects the unit, which could mean that the pictures are fake news. Does the member present itself as larger or smaller if crack is smoked? Gosar’s findings showed no change. Does it present itself harder or softer? Gosar’s findings were indeterminate, as he said he began “calling his boys to see who wanted to burn a cross” and lost track of time, or lost “crack of time,” as he put it. Unclear whether that was an intentional pun. Rep. Nadler again reminded the committee of the illegality of buying and smoking crack cocaine.
Motion #1
Rep. Greene raised a motion to subpoena the unit for “doing a Me Too” to America. Rep. Nadler asked how that would work specifically. Greene mumbled something about Nadler and space lasers. Rep. Gaetz laughed. Rep. Boebert seconded the motion. Brief discussion about whether parts of the body can be called to testify before Congress. Motion was adopted. Nadler dissolved an Alka-Seltzer into his water.
Motion #2
Rep. Biggs raised a motion to assist Rep. Gosar in Operation Smoked Wood, which would necessitate locating more crack cocaine. Biggs said he “knew a guy.” Gosar seemed to second the motion, might also have been scratching his face. Motion is adopted.
Announcements
Rep. Gaetz is going to be holding a midnight BYOB screening of the unedited Hunter Biden Laptop Tapes, followed by a Hunter Biden look-alike contest.
Adjournment
There being no further business to discuss and the Special Committee to Investigate Other Things About Hunter Biden needing the conference room, the meeting was adjourned at 5:15 p.m.
